Don't Mother your Lover

Women instinctively play the role of nurturer in a relationship, but mothering your partner could backfire.

As human beings our first relationship is with our mother. It is therefore understandable that what we experience and observe in this relationship will affect our other relationships. In the case of women, our mothers are also our first gender role models. We see our mother as the nurturing caregiver and this becomes hard-wired into our brain. In the case of men, mothers often take such good care of them that they come to expect this from their partners: if she loves me, as my mother did, she would take care of me, as my mother did. Such men will take on the role of helpless child – and so the scene is set for a whole lot of mothering.

So what's wrong with that?

Of course it's not a complete no-no to have elements of mothering in your relationships with other adults. Friends, family and your partner will need a supportive and nurturing response to their life dilemmas from time to time. But the impulse to mother can cause problems if it is your automatic, unconscious response, and nowhere more so than in your love relationship.

Signs of mothering

 Doing things for him that he should be doing by himself, such as finding his wallet.

  Reminding him of things that he should remember himself: 'Don't forget your squash date.'

  Scolding him: 'And where do you think you are going, dressed like that?'

  Making excuses for him to family and friends when he behaves badly or treats you in an unacceptable way. If you take on the role of all-knowing mother, continually treating your partner as if he were less competent, he will eventually believe he is useless and lose his self-esteem, or he will end up rebelling against you. Both are processes that can destroy a relationship. So what can you do to exit the loop?

Smothering the mothering

Accept that you are partly responsible for the way things are. Ask yourself what you are getting out of a relationship that functions more like one between a parent and child than one between two responsible adults. Could it be that you feel a greater sense of control and power when you are in the mommy seat? Is it your own quest for perfection that turns your partner into a blundering child? Does playing the role of all-knowing mother make you feel indispensable?

These are tough questions; however, you will not be able to remodel your relationship if you don't understand your own inner motivations.

Are you a smothering lover? Or are you the one being smothered? Tell us about your experiences, thoughts and opinions in the box below.